


Shattered

by Fearless_leaderr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fixing the breakup, M/M, Slow Burn, Violence, my poor children, they deserve to be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-02 16:15:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6573157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fearless_leaderr/pseuds/Fearless_leaderr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Do I look like I want to become a dusty sun burned vampire? No, I like living. I've already died once, I don't want to die again, okay? And he'll kill me, or the clan will. Because I betrayed them. And the alliance is over, so we can't do that. Plus you're shadow hunters and he said he done with you's. And he's disappointed, and..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"What do you mean I have to ask Raphael for help? Are you insane? He said the alliance was over, plus he wants to kill me. If you want his help then you can ask him. I'm not doing it. I'm not. He said he was disappointed in me, he doesn't want to see me. And do I look like I want to become a dusty sun burned vampire? No, I like living. I've already died once, I don't want to die again, okay? And he'll kill me, or the clan will. Because I betrayed them. And the alliance is over, so we can't do that. Plus you're shadow hunters and he said he done with you's. And he's disappointed, and..."

Simon trails off when a hand is clamped over his mouth, effectively shutting him the hell up. Clary looks up at him with a small smirk, her eyes shining with an emotion he can't quite distinguish. Somewhere between humour and impatience.

"Are you done yet?" She asks, quirking her eyebrow. Simon considers his options, mulling over everything he's said. 

No, he's not damn well done. He's slightly offended- no, scrap that, he's completely offended- that he's even being asked to go back to the hotel after everything that's happened. He's given up his security, his safety, his home, his family- he's given up Raphael- all to help the Shadowhunters wake Jocelyn. And now Clary has her mother back he's expected to go back and rub more salt into the wound. Get information and let everyone else be happy except him. As long as the nephilim are okay, no one else matters.

He's beginning to see now, looking at their impassive faces, why the downworlders have so many problems with the shadowhunters.

And he's about to say so, tell them all to get to fuck, but seeing Clary standing in front of him with those bright eyes he's loved since he was seven, looking so damn expectant, he crumbles. Good old Simon, always the nerdy sidekick to the whirlwind that is Clarissa Fairchild. 

"Yes" he replies lowly, his voice muffled into her palm. The hand is then removed and he steps back, dropping his gaze from her's and swallowing. 

"We can't go Simon, you know they'll just attack us as soon as we enter their territory. The children of the night are tricky to gauge" she says plainly. 

And he hates it, he hates how much she sounds like one of them and acts like one of them and talks like one of them. He hates how she doesn't call him unless she needs something and he hates how she's started to wrinkle her nose when downworlders are mentioned and he hates how she will kill them without much of a second thought. He hates how he can't hate her, how he could never hate anything about Clary. He hates how no matter what she asks and what she does, he can't stay angry at her. And worst of all, he hates that when he thinks of her, his stomach doesn't flutter anymore. Instead he thinks of dark hair and tailored suits and sharp teeth and dios, baby..

Apparently he's hesitated too long because someone sighs impatiently behind them- Alec or Jace, he's not sure- and he feels his anger growing again,  
coming in fast and thick and ugly. He hisses, barley noticing the surprised looks on their faces as he spins on his heels, his lips curled up into a snarl.

"I'm fucking going, okay?" He mutters scathingly, side stepping Isabelle and ignoring that fact he knows they're all staring at his teeth. He hates that as well, how he's become a freak show and it's not even his fault.

"Simon.." Clary begins, reaching out and he can't, he just can't. He can't be here any longer with all these people who think they're better than he is because of what he's become. He can't be here with all these people who he doesn't want to start to resent, but it's becoming harder and harder every time they take and take and don't give back. He twists away from the hand and is across the room in seconds, pausing at the door. 

"I'll go ask Raphael. If I'm not back by tomorrow then I'll be a pile of dust, so there's not much point in trying to retrieve my second class downworlder ashes."

And then he's gone, running and running and running until the hotels looming ahead of him, the large letters of Dumort staring back at him in the inky blankness of the night. 

He feels his stomach clench in nerves and his skin crawls and his useless heart seems to thump in his chest. Rain pelts him insistently and he knows he looks pathetic, soaked to the bone and staring up at the building. He knows that the clan will know he's here by now. And he knows Raphael will be waiting for him in the main lounge, waiting to pass judgement. 

He shudders, takes a long calming breath, and then enters the hotel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblrs magnussbanesss If you're interested.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's begins.

The hotel is unusually quiet when he enters. That in itself sets warning bells off in his head. The further he walks along the never ending corridors and comes across no one, the more his instincts scream for him to get the hell out of there. By the time he's reached the lounge his whole body is tensed like a whip, ready to lash out at any given second.

He likes to think that even though he probably wouldn't last long in a fight, he'd be able to cause some slightly moderate damage at the very least. Like a mouse biting a snake before its devoured- and fuck, that's a mental image he needs to get out of his head right now.

The closed door is looming threateningly in front of him, and he knows Raphael is in there. There's no other signs except the fact that he can smell him, but he knows. He can imagine the older vampire sitting in his chair with his legs crossed in front of him, waiting to stake him. 

Distinctly he wonders if Raphael is wearing what he affectionately used to call his murder suit- a black trouser and jacket combo made with some sort of special material that blood washes out of easily. And Gg- Shit, if that isn't a thought that makes his veins feel like ice.

He stares at the entrance for what feels like a century before he finally plucks up enough courage to go in. With baited breath he slowly opens the door, his whole body thrumming with nerves and something else he can't quite place.

Guilt, his traitorous mind supplies.

Once he's in the room he instantly busies himself with closing the door again, trying to gain another moment before he has to face reality.

But his time is up and he can feel Raphael staring at his back, waiting. He turns then, eyes glancing around the room once for an attack before finally coming to rest on the other man, and when he does he feels like his entire world has frozen.

The most immediate thing Simon notices is that Raphael looks tired. Not in a way one would get without a nights sleep, he looks completely and utterly exhausted. There's bags under his eyes that he's never seen present before, and a droop to his spine that he knows is characteristically unusual. And all he can think is I've done this, this is my fault.

Something akin guilt must have shown on his face because Raphael tilts his head- the only sign of any emotion that Simon can distinguish on the others impassive expression. And he hates it, he hates it so much. Because he could always read Raphael, could always tell if he was amused by the twitch of his lips or angry by the tightness of his jaw or thoughtful by the crease of his brow. Now, looking back at the other, he can't read anything, and he hates it.

"I know you're angry" he begins, trying to remember the words he had prepared whilst coming here. But now that they're about to be heard, the words die on his lips and he sighs, swallowing heavily.

"Fuck okay, I know you're totally furious at me. I know it. And I know I deserve every single bit of anger you have at me. And if you want to kill me then I can't exactly protest can I? No, not really. I mean, I thought I was coming here because Clary asked me to so I could get information, and because I'm a pushover and was born a pushover and will always be a pushover I said yes. But now I'm here I realised I didn't come because she told me too, I came because I wanted too.

Because in plain words Raphael, I fucked up. I fucked up so so so bad, and I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than you can ever know. I've made bad choices, I put other people first. Clary 's clary, and I love her. I love her so much, but I'm not in love with her. And that's terrifying because I've always been in love with Clary and too much is changing too quick. And suddenly I'm not and she's standing at the wedding looking stunning and- and my breath doesn't catch anymore. And then she's asking for help and I think, this must be a one off right? If I help her now then it'll go back to the way it was before, I'll love her even though I can never have her and everything will make sense. And it's Jocelyn, she's like a second mother to me. I had to help wake her. And I couldn't face Clary's disappointment when I said no.

So I helped her and it felt wrong, it felt so wrong. And then Camille's there and she's free and happy, playing with mundanes or whatever and Clary has her mum back and Jace managed to get away from Valentine and Magnus and Alec are disgustingly in love and I just realised everyone always gets what they want except me. Because I'm just their expendable downworlder pet. And you tried to warn me that's what it would be like and I didn't listen. And I should have. I should have picked you, and I can't begin to explain how much I regret not doing so. I'm sorry Raphael. I'm so so sorry, and if you're going to kill me can you do it now. Because I just realised I've talked at you for a solid five minutes without breathing and I should probably just die now anyway so.."

He forcefully shuts up when Raphael stands, advancing towards slowly, like a lion prowling before it strikes. He wills his own body to stay still, because whatever violence is about to be inflicted he deserves. Just as he's about to ask for the older vampire to make it quick, said mans voice cuts his thoughts off.

"Where are you sleeping and how are you feeding?" Raphael asks, his eyes betraying some emotion that Simon can't quite place.

Surprised, and slightly weary, he shifts his stance and wets his lips. He notices how the others eyes follows that action and he feels his heart start to thump again.

"At Luke's. I mean it's smells of werewolf and they all sort of hate me but I can't stay at the institute and I can't go home so, it's somewhere dry. And Magnus sometimes gives me blood bags and then Luke drains his steaks of blood for me and it's horrible but at least I'm fed, right?"

At that Raphael looks slightly horrified, his nose wrinkling and his lips curling and it's the first outward sign of emotion he's seen from the other since he's arrived, and Simon thinks it's beautiful. 

There's a moment of silence where Raphael seems to hesitate after that, glancing first towards the door then back towards him, before his expression settles back into something stony and Simon wants to cry. 

"It's almost sunrise and you're pathetically wet. Go get changed, feed and stay in your room until nightfall. I can't control the clans actions If they decide to pass judgment for themselves. We will discuss this situation tonight." 

And with that, he's gone, leaving Simon gaping at the spot he was standing in moments ago.  
He had been invited to stay, he hadn't been killed, and Raphael was willing to talk to him about it.

In his heart he knows this isn't forgiveness, and he knows they have a lot to work on. But for now, lying in his own bed with his thirst satisfied, he counts this as a win.

He stares at the ceiling and feels calmer than he has in months, and unknown to him, five doors down, Raphael is feeling the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have a beta so this is probably littered with mistakes. Apologies.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has mild depictions of violence.

Simon wakes up at sundown to an insistent knocking at the door. He automatically reaches out for the glasses he no longer needs, pausing for a moment when his hand comes back empty. Not even wanting to get into the implications of that this early in the evening he rolls out of bed, blearily rubbing his eyes as he heads for the door. 

Distinctly, some part of his consciousness is telling him to get dressed, but it goes largely ignored. His Star Wars pants are illegally comfy, and his t-shirt is one his sister bought him two years ago. The 'I'm in the band' logo is peeling with one too many washes, and it barley covers his belly button anymore, but he can't bare to part with it. It's the only thing he has left of her.

He pauses at the door again, and wow, if he hasn't been doing that a lot lately. Taking a breath, he gets ready to face Raphael and his impending fury. Squaring his shoulders and straightening his spine, he carefully masks his expression into acceptance and opens the door.

It's not Raphael on the other side.

He blinks at Lily and Elliot, his mouth dropping open in surprise. There's a moment of silence when none of them speak, and he shifts, about to ask them what they want.

And then Elliot's moving forward, kicking him so hard in the shin he hears the bone crack. 

His teeth automatically bite into his tongue, muffling a scream as he drops to his knees. 

"Ah fuck, fuck!" He hisses, tears of pain beginning to form in his eyes. He knows he deserves it, and he knows that it'll heal, but dammit it hurts.

A hand forces his head up and he meets Lily's gaze, his entire body tense. She pats his jaw once, twice, then steps back.

"That was for betraying the clan," she begins, her eyes hard. 

There's another moment of terrifying silence so thick with emotion than Simon feels like he's choking in it.

Then she's pulling back her fist and punching him so solidly in the face that he see's stars.

Correction: now he's choking.

He falls back heavily and clutches his face, making small noises of agony as he feels his cheek bone shift unnaturally. Blood fills his mouth and he rolls over to spit it out, his entire body shaking with exertion.

"And that was for hurting Raphael," she finishes, and now he understands. 

He understands and he wants to crawl into his grave again and never come out.

Cringing, he forces himself to stand, using the dresser to his right for support. He can already begin to feel his leg heal, but it's still too painful to support.

"I deserved that" he said simply, and he means it. He did deserve it, and he's lucky they didn't just stake him right then and there. 

"I totally deserved that. I deserve to get my ass beat into next week. Hell, if Raphael and the rest of the clan came in here and wanted to hit me I'd let them. But let a guy get changed first? I'm going to get blood all over this t-shirt and its sorta irreplaceable and I will start sobbing in the middle of the room and then you'll be beating up a sobbing teenager and it'll be like high school all over again and.."

He trails off when he see's their incredulous stares, and he realises he's been rambling. Clearing his throat he shifts again, testing his leg. It's good, but still not great.

"I'm going to make it up to you's, to the clan. I don't care how long it'll take, I don't care if I have to crawl on my belly and beg on my knees before you's. I'm going to make it up to you's, because it's taken me a long time to accept, but you're my people now. N-not Clary, not the shadowhunters and not mundanes. I'm going to make it up to you's, and I'm going to make it up to Raphael. Because he deserves it. He gave me everything and I threw it in his face and there's nothing more I regret. And I'm going to fix it."

By the end of his speech he swallows, daring to look at their expressions. Lily has a small smirk on her face and Elliot looks vaguely amused, his eyes crinkling.

"That's good to hear fledgling, that's good to hear," Elliot mutters, slapping his back painfully and then disappearing down the hallway.

Simon stares in disbelief, his eyes darting back to Lily to ask what the hell is going on. Before he can open his mouth however he's yanked forward by his shirt so he's face to face with the other vampire.

"Hurt him again and I'll kill you and make it look like an accident," she hisses and then she's gone as well, whistling as she follows Elliot.

If he was still mundane he probably would have fainted by now. 

He must stand frozen for longer than he realises because when he blinks Raphael is standing before him, eyeing him with something akin concern. It disappears as soon as he notices he's been watched however, settling into something more stony.

"You're bleeding all over the floor" he greets coolly, his eyebrow arching as he watches the dribble of red roll down the other vampires chin.

Simon snorts and wipes it away carelessly, testing his leg hesitantly. When he feels no pain he straightens, reaching up to test his face gingerly.

It's aches, but it's no longer throbbing.

"I'll try not to next time" he replies, tilting his head to observe the other.

Raphael looks better rested than he did before sunrise, the tired bags under his eyes disappearing somewhat. He's wearing the blue suit that makes Simons stomach do flips, and his hair is unstyled and laying in curls around his ears.

They both stare at each for a moment before Raphael's gaze dips up and down his body, assessing for injury.

"Lily and Elliot?" He asks, and Simon nods in agreement.

"Yeah, I totally had that coming. If you wanna punch me in the face you may as well go now, I'm already covered in blood so.."

He braces himself for an impact that never comes. Raphael has that soft look in his eyes that he doesn't dare identify, his lips curling minutely into something that can almost be called a smile.

"I'm not going to punch you, this suit it too expensive to stain with your blood and you've already ruined enough of my jackets. Come, we'll talk in the office,"

And then he's gone as well, disappearing from view in a blink of an eye.

Simon sighs and quickly pulls on a new shirt, gently placing down his sisters gift, his mind already thinking of the best ways to wash it.

And then he goes, briskly making his way to Raphael's office, his mind swirling with a million ways he can redeem himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in next chapter for even more angst, when they finally talk.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The talk we've all been waiting for.

The first thing that Simon notices about Raphael's office when he enters is that it's messy. And he doesn't just mean a few bits of paper lying around, blown artfully onto the ground by an incidental gust of wind. He means that the place looks like a tornado has torn through it. There's sheets of stray paper lying around precariously, littering the floor in white. The large antique bookcase that normally sits in the corner is lying on its front, surrounding by a million splinters and crushing the ancient books beneath it. The books that haven't been ruined are opened at various points of completion, taking up all remaining table space in the room. Despite all this, perhaps the most noticeable thing is the fist sized dent in the wall, rimmed with crusting blood.

Simon blinks at it, feeling his stomach churn in foreboding dread. Raphael's office hadn't been like this is when he left- it was always clean and tidy to the point of perfection. So whatever happened between then and now was big enough for the other vampire to loose his temper so completely that he could destroy his own sacred place and shut the door behind him, leaving the mess for long enough that a layer of dust had settled over it.

Simon has a pretty good idea what that something was, and he wants to cry a little.

He stands awkwardly as Raphael busies himself with kicking aside paper so he can correct his toppled over chair. As the silence prolongs he finds his gaze is constantly being drawn to the fist-sized mark in the wall. He wonders how much force it had taken for cement to crumble, how many times the wall had to be hit before blood could be added into the equation, and how much anger Raphael must have been feeling for him to resort to petty violence...

"That was a stupid idea, doing that. It meant that I had no working hands for a few hours."

Simon whips around when the other man speaks, his eyebrow drawn together in confusion. The dent was only big enough to be one fist, so logically that meant that Raphael still had at least one hand free to do whatever. Unless he had used both hands to punch the exact same spot, which was possible but more time consuming when trying to work through anger. He's about to ask how long it took for the bones to set and heal when he remembers. 

Oh. 

Instantly panicked he makes an aborted motion to reach forward, pulling back his hand as quickly as he reaches out with it. He doesn't think Raphael would appreciate him of all people touching him, especially after all that's happened. 

'And that's just another thing I've fucked up now, isn't it.' He thinks bitterly, swallowing thickly.

"Has your hand healed? Can you even heal sun burns? Can you show me? Like, not show me you burning it again. I just mean to hold it up. Or don't. Whatever suits."

He stops when he notices he's rambling, and he feels like he's meeting Raphael all over again. This is how he was in the beginning, when he was new and resented everything he was and everyone he was surrounded by.  
He had talked nervously then, trying to adjust and get to know his new leader. Now he's doing the same, but this time he's trying to get a lot more than acquainted. He's attempting to earn forgiveness.

His attention is drawn back to Raphael when the other rolls his eyes, a gesture so familiar he feels his phantom heart stutter. The vampire before him then sighs and holds up said limbs, revealing two perfectly smooth and unmarked hands.

"The self inflicted injury healed by itself. I had to get Magnus to help with the burns however. No help to your shadowhunters."

"They're not my shadowhunters" he replies instantly, surprising both himself and Raphael with the venom in his voice. He clears his throat and shifts, running a hand through his hair distractedly.

There's another long silence whilst he worries his lip between his teeth and the smaller man watches him closely, neither willing to talk.

Eventually- and surprisingly- it's Raphael who breaks the silence, resting his elbows on the desk and leaning forward.

"What is it you actually want here, Simon? You've made it very clear that you have chosen the nephilim over us. I don't understand what you hope to accomplish by coming back. You can't pick and choose when you stay here and when you want to run off with shadowhunters. That's not how it works."

Simon releases his lip and shifts again, wincing slightly as a piece of paper creases under his shoes.

"What I want is for you to forgive me. And I'm not asking for you to do so now. Fuck, I'm not even asking you to do it next week. Or next month, next year, next century, or anything in between. I need to earn your forgiveness, and the forgiveness of the clan. And I don't care how much time it'll take, I'll doing anything.

It's taken me numerous months and two death threats in one day to realise that this is who I am now, and there's no point in trying to be who I was before. And that's scary okay, you surely understand how fucked up it is. And suddenly I can't talk to my family anymore incase I hurt them, or incase they hate me.  
I have enough people hating me for what I am now, I don't have to see my mum and sister look at me in disgust.

So the only person I have left is Clary. My best friend in the entire world. Whom of which I can actually talk to, since she knows me. The real me, not the old me. And I tried to cling to that, because it's always been me and Clary.

But it's only when I walked away from the hotel that night, feeling like my undead heart has been ripped out of my chest, that I realised it doesn't have to be me and Clary. I can still be her best friend, that doesn't have to change. But I have to have a happy medium, right? Because at the end of the day, if she was to pick between the shadowhunters and me, I'm not entirely sure who she'd pick anymore.

She loves being one of them. She loves feeling important. This is her destiny, I suppose. And I don't resent her for any of it, I could never. But I'm beginning to resent them. Jace and Isabelle and Alec and everyone else. And I don't want to resent them, because then I'd be as bad as they are, wouldn't I? I'd be judging them just for being born. But it's so hard when you're just their token downworlder pet. It's like 'Simon do this', 'Simon do that', 'Simon help us break your sire out of the hotel and betray your leader because you're a pushover, pretty please.' 

And I fucking done it, like a complete and utter idiot. I done it and I've never regretted something so much in my life. 

I'm sorry, Raphael. I really am sorry. It's been killing me, no pun intended, since I left. I can barley sleep because I always feel like something's missing. The guilts been eating me alive, it really has. You told me once that this wasn't just a hotel and I understand now. I really understand. I never intended to hurt you. I never wanted that, and I'm more sorry than you know. Please, can I come home?"

His voice cracks at the end and he feels his expression crumble and fall. He doesn't know what he's going to do if he gets sent away. He wouldn't argue, but he'd be dying inside. Suddenly hit with the thought that this was a very real thing that could happen he looks at his feet, not daring to look at Raphael incase he see's anger or disappointment there.

There's a deafening silence yet again and the longer it goes on the more Simon feels like he's on the verge of tears, blinking rapidly because he doesn't have the right to be upset. He brought this on himself.

Just as he's about to talk again- apologise some more and in more depth- a cold hand cups his chin, tilting his head up so he's face to face with the other vampire. He starts only sightly, having not heard him walk around the table.

Raphael's eyes are soft and his eyebrows are creased together slightly in thought. 

"You called the hotel your home," the other says quietly, his eyes scanning Simon's face for something.

"Yes, that's because it is. If you'll have me back."

Whatever Raphael was looking for in his expression he must have found, because the intensity in his eyes dull down and his hand drops from his chin.

Simon mourns the loss.

"You can stay, but don't assume that I trust you just yet. You betrayed me and with that you broke any relationship we had built up. It'll take a while- I need to see that you're actually dedicating yourself to to clan, and have not just came back because it suits you. But you can stay, for now."

Relief and guilt floods him all at once and he feels a smile blossoming across his face only to falter into a grimace.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise I will. I'll earn your trust back. I'll clean all your shoes and shut up when you ask and run things by you and focus during training and stop referencing Star Wars every twenty minutes. I'll not run off with Clary without permission, and if you say no then I won't go. I won't do anything without your explicit consent either, because despite our disagreements you actually know what you're doing."

Without waiting for a response he steps away from the older vampire and bends down, beginning to gather up all the loose pieces of paper from the ground and sort them into a pile.

"What are you doing?" He hears Raphael ask behind him, and he turns his head, flashing him a small smile.

"Fixing your office, of course. You cant be a very scary vampire boss if people need to steep over books to get in. It ruins the illusion."

And with that he continues tidying, pausing only when he see's the other bend down to help. His smile widens as goes back to his stack of paper, sorting it's neatly and putting it to the side.

They finish the office without speaking, the silence only being broken when Raphael occasionally grumbles at Simon to be careful with certain books, or when Simon bitches back with a sarcastic response.

Deep down, Simon knows that this is not forgiveness. He knows Raphael is still hurting, and he knows that only time can fix that. But for now, as they fall back into their old routine, he can pretend everything is going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My original draft for this had Raphael a lot more forgiving, and then my second had him being more harsh. This is basically a happy medium, because whilst I feel like Raphael would be angry, he does actually care. What do you's think?


	5. Chapter 5

The past couple of nights had been difficult for Simon, to say the very least. He had spent the first night tidying up Raphael's office, picking up each individual shard of wood and depositing of it elsewhere until the space was absolutely perfectly tidy. 

The second he had spent shadowing the other through meetings, taking notes when asked and dutifully keeping his mouth shut. That day had passed slowly, and he wanted nothing more than to moan about the suit he was wearing and bitch about the stranger who was talking and just do anything other than record a transcript of a weirdos speech. But he had lost the right to do that for now, so silent he carefully and painstakingly remained.

This silence luckily had seemed to work somewhat, and on the third night Raphael asked him if he would join the clan in the main lounge and feed. 

"Me? With everyone else? Now? Me? I'm not... I mean. I've not got to talk to anyone but Lily and Elliot yet. And we didn't talk. They just made me bleed my own blood a little. A lot. I bled a lot and probably cried a little. And they're not even the biggest? Hector probably will break my spine. Henry will defiantly break my spine. Oh my Gg- fuck, Suzanne will fucking destroy me. I'm not, fuck okay, man up Simon. Fucking man up, this was your fault and you can damn well face it. Okay, okay. Deep breaths. Wait I can't breath. Whoops okay, deep fake breaths. Okay, good. Good. Right, I'm calm now."

He turns back to Raphael who looks utterly done, his mouth hanging open minutely to reveal the point of his fangs and his eyes rolling so hard Simons surprised they don't fall out of his head.

"Dios mio, you just had a whole conversation with yourself. If this is what not talking all night does to you then please feel free to get all your bull shit out in a spread out period of time."

Simon gawks at the other, lifting his hand up to his chest in mock offence.

"I do not speak 'bull shit'. All of my ramblings are strategically thought out and in relation to all topic of conversation I'm having at the current moment."

Raphael rolls his eyes again and stands from his desk, stretching his arms over his head. His shirt rides up a little at the stomach and reveals a slither of golden skin, and Simon finds himself staring. He clears his throat and quickly looks down, observing his shoes. They're nice shoes, a pair of black converse he got once he joined the band. They're a little scruffy but he's sure if he put them in the washing machine then he'd be fine. 

"Hey, is there a washing machine here?" He asks before he can help himself, mentally slapping himself upside the head.

Raphael predictably looks vaguely amused and slightly offended, lifting his nose up into the air.

"Of course there is, we live here. Just because you wear the same shirt for a week doesn't mean we're all lowered to those levels of slob."

"Hey!"

"And you haven't answered my question. You don't have to come if you don't want to."

It's a trick question, he knows. He does need to come. Failure to comply would result in a instant label of disinterest to reconcile, and he doesn't want that. He actually does want to come see the clan, sit with them and drink properly since the first time he accepted who he was.

"Yeah, I'd love to come. Thank you."

That's the right answer predictably because Raphael's face lights up slightly, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Simon feels his useless heart speed up at the sight.

"Well then, come along" the other says, crossing the room and throwing the door open dramatically, gesturing for him to follow.

And after only slight hesitation he does.

\---

Dozens of eyes fixate on him as soon as he enters the lounge. That in itself puts him on edge and he comes to a stand still under the door frame, his automatic response being fight or flight. Neither of those options are particularly appropriate for the current situation but here he is, coiled like whip and ready to run and hide in his room. He can watch clone wars there, clone wars won't try to throttle him.

But no, that would show that he doesn't want to spend time with the clan and that's not what he's here to accomplish. 

He straightens up and forces himself to enter the room, moving along the edges and keeping his back to the wall. A few hisses are heard and he jumps, eyes automatically zoning in on Raphael. Their leader looks as impassive as ever, but there's a minute quirk of his lips that suggests he's amused.

He wants to call him a traitor but then his mind quickly supply's how much of a bad idea that is.

There's a period of time spanning about ten minutes where he just stands lost at the back as everyone ignores him, shuffling from foot to foot and chewing his gum until he tastes copper. He had never been good in awkward situations he hasn't explicitly caused, especially ones where the tension and hostility was so thick he feels as if he can see it.

Feeling majorly demoralised and slightly disappointed he begins to head to the door, planning on retrieving his own blood since clearly no one else is interested in doing so. But he's stopped by Raphael halting voice asking "Where are you going?"

He grinds to a standstill, biting his lip nervously.

"Um, I was just going...em, go? Because I just, I mean you's just, I mean I...um..."

"Simon, shut up, take a glass and come sit down."

And how can he argue with that?

\---

Blood is perhaps the thing that took him the longest to get used to. The very thought of it had turned his stomach, and he despised the smell and the taste and the look. He more often than not found himself wondering where it had came from- who it belonged to before it ended up in a plastic bag behind a dusty painting in a dusty hotel. Had the victim been willing or not? Did they need the blood to survive? Or was it taken from them in consequence of their life.

Now, he didn't care so much. No, perhaps that wasn't entirely accurate. Now he didn't think about it so much. It's like when he was in middle school and the teacher had told him where beef was from- he initially declared himself vegetarian until the novelty wore off.

He sips at his glass whilst he listen to the clan talk, feeling quite safely content sandwiched in between Raphael and Lily. Upon seeing his hesitation before their leader had rolled his eyes and told Simon to sit beside him, and Lily had very quickly thrown herself down at his other side. He didn't quite know her aim yet, but the glares she kept shooting him (along with various others) suggested he was to be very careful in what he was saying. Or even better yet, just to keep his mouth shut completely.

He is more than happy to comply, rotating between listening and drinking and cracking the occasional joke which is luckily well received.

And at some point however he must have started to fall asleep- the fullness of his stomach and the lack of stimulating conversation making him drowsy. He lets his head dip to the left onto a firm shoulder, and it tenses hesitantly underneath him.

He starts to lift his head, about to apologise when...

Bang.

The door of the lounge bursts inwards, littering the floor with shards of wood.

Everyone is on instant alert, standing in a defensive formation, body's clenched and ready to fight. He finds himself being pushed behind Raphael and Lily, and a protest forms on his lips only to die immediately when he see's who's at the entrance.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He finds himself yelling instead, startling the vampires in front of him.

Clary, Isabelle, Jace and Alec all blink back at him. 

"No seriously" he finds himself adding, pushing through the crowd who all seem hesitant to let him anywhere near the intruders in front of them. "What the hell are you doing here? They haven't even done anything!"

Clary is first to step forward, relief as clear as day on her face.

"Oh Simon, Thank God! I was so worried. We thought they killed you!" She says all at once, reaching out to grab hold of his hand.

And Simon doesn't know what possesses him but he flinches away from her touch, feeling angry all at once. He shouldn't be, logic tells him. Clary is entitled to worry about him as he's entitled to worry about her. But there's something about the whole situation that unsettles him. Perhaps it's the way Jace is looking bored, or the way Alec looks like he'd rather be anywhere but here, but he has a feeling they didn't just come looking for him because they love him. 

He swallows down guilt at the utterly devastated look he receives in response and is glad when Raphael's shoulder bumps with his own, indicating the leader has stepped forward.

"I'm fine. I've been accepted back into the clan."

Now it's their turn to look surprised. Clary's mouth hangs open slightly before snapping shut and Isabelle snorts.

"We would have know that if you'd answer your goddamn phone, you idiot."

To empathise her point in a very Isabelle way she steps forward to punch his shoulder, which he see's coming and he tenses. But that means he's not the only one to predict it. As her fist approaches its engulfed into Raphael's own hand, his fingers dwarfing her's. 

The three other nephilim behind her all snap to attention having not seen him move and Alec notches a bow, the situation quickly spiralling.

After a moment of frigid silence the older vampire drops her hand. The smaller female instantly has a dagger drawn in response and Simon can't help it, he see's red.

She's already hurt him once, he won't let him do it again.

He darts forwards and pushes with all his might, his lips curled up into a snarl and a predatory growl rumbling in his throat.

Isabelle goes flying back, taking down both Jace and Alec with her as she falls.

"Stay away from him" He bites out violently, hearing his own phantom heartbeat echo in his ear. His whole body is shaking in anger and when he feels a hand on his shoulder he almost lashes out. 

But it's not prey, his mind supplies. Its Raphael. It's family. 

Filled with the knowledge that he's being supported he deflates somewhat, observing the siblings are they scramble to stand. Once he sees that it's only egos that are hurt he dares to face Clary, gulping slightly.

She seems to be in a state of shock, her eyes wide and her mouth dropped open.

"Why?" Is all she manages to get out, and he feels himself beginning to grow angry all over again.

"Do you really think that they're here out of the goodness of their hearts? They're not Clary. They're here because I didn't run back with the information I was supposed to. They don't care about me, I'm just an expendable Downworlder after all. Think about it, how hard was it to convince them to come here? I'm assuming it was border line impossible. Because what's the point of a pet if it doesn't play fetch, right?" He asks bitterly, ignoring her look of utter denial.

"Right guys?" He asks once more to the three behind her, who all have the good grace to look somewhat ashamed.

"That's what I thought" he mumbled then, feeling his chest tighten. It was one thing feeling like a means to an end, but it was another thing being confirmed as to actually being one. 

There's another prolonged period of time where the clan stare at the shadowhunters and the shadowhunters stare at the clan and Clary opens and closes her mouth repeatedly for what seems like ten minutes and just as she's about to talk the silence is interrupted by a phone ringing.

Lily sighs loudly behind him and Alec flushes from across the room, fumbling for a moment before pressing the phone to his ear.

"Magnus?" He asks hesitantly, his eyes lighting up slightly in a way that makes Simon feel a pang of jealously.

But the innocent joy dims as quickly as it came and Alec's face drops into a heart wrenching worry. 

"Magnus? Magnus! Where are you? What's happening? Mags, c'mon, answer me."

There's a pause, then;

"Okay, hold on. I'm coming. We're coming. Keep fighting okay? And stay alive? I swear to god, you better stay alive."

As soon as the line goes dead the archer makes a sounds akin a howl, running his hands through his hair.

"There's been another demon attack on the warlocks Magnus was harbouring. He needs help, they're barely coping. We need to go now."

And with that the oldest Lightwood is out the door, disappearing from view down the corridor.

The remaining three shadowhunters all brace themselves to run when Raphael steps forward.

"We will come" he says firmly, his face grim.

That grimness is mirrored in Isabelle and Jace, but Clary still has the means to look slightly surprised.

"But you canceled our agreement? Why would you fight?"

"I'm not fighting for you. Magnus is an old friend, he will always receive my help when he needs it. And unlike your kind, Downworlders will almost always help other Downworlders. We stick together."

He hears the clan murmur their agreement and one by one they begin to file out as well, following the shadowhunters out into the night.

This goes on until there's just himself, Clary and a few other in the room. She looks ashamed and unbelievably guilty.

"Simon.." She begins, only to be cut off by Elliot yelling for him down the hall. 

"Later, yeah?" He asks, and then he goes aswell, jogging to catch up with everyone else. He feels slightly guilty but he saw Jace hang back, so he knows she has him at least. 

Plus he really needs time to calm down. He doesn't want to say anything rash to hurt her- it's not her he's angry with. It's who she associates with is the problem.

Once he catches up Elliot smirks at him and Lily appears by his side, flinging her arm over his shoulders.

"That was great, back there" she says coyly and he flushes, dipping his head.

"I didn't mean to go that far. I just lost it, y'know?"

Elliot shrugs in response and Lily laughs.

"I don't care what happened man, that was a sight to behold" Elliot adds, his easy grin making Simon relax majorly. 

There's a response about to pass his lips when suddenly both of duck away from him, giggling. Simon frowns and is about to call after them when he feels a presence to his left. He turns and starts somewhat when he see's how close Raphael is, having not heard him walk over.

"Ready?" Asks the other vampire, and he feels a smile beginning to grow again.

"As I'll ever be" he responds bravely, squarely his shoulders as they march into war. 

It's not an ideal situation, but as he watches his clan mull around them, and feels the coolness of Raphael's body beside him, he's cant help but think:

'At least we're together.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically a little redemption and a little plot, but the main purpose of it is to set up the next chapter because damn boy, you ain't even prepared for that.
> 
> My exams start in a week so chapters may be coming in slower now, which I'll apoligse for in advance. I'll get the next one up as soon as possible, I swear. 
> 
> Thank you for your continued support and comments, it means alot!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

The first word that comes to Simon's mind when they finally arrive to aid the warlocks is chaos.

Complete and utter chaos.

There's demons battling warlocks in various positions across the warehouse, all in differing stages of success. The ground is covered in so much blood and inkor that he can't even identify who has fallen.

A shout from his left draws his gaze and he looks over, seeing Alec haul up an exhausted looking Magnus. The warlock looks shattered- but is still standing- his magic taking down dozens of demons before he can even blink. His partner is standing beside him and is equally as lethal, taking down hoards with his arrows.

Whilst observing them he must hesitate for too long because a hand on his back propels him forward and he whips his head around, meeting Raphael's gaze.

"Be careful, and stay safe," the older vampire says firmly, gripping his shoulder once for a few second before letting his hand drop and melting into the fray, leaving Simon alone.

He releases a panicked and entirely unnecessary breath, scanning the room once again.

Most of the clan are engaged in battle, taking demons down one by one. A quick look at the warlocks show that they're doing the same, tendrils of magic sparking from their fingers as they move around fluently, years on years of practice giving them an advantage.

Simons next port of call is to locate Clary, who is positioned to his right, standing in a tight circle with Jace and Isabelle. She moves with a practiced ease as she cuts down her enemies with her sword, barley blinking as they turn to dust. 

He gawks at her for a few seconds before he feels a presence creep up behind him and he spins on his heels, coming face to face with a demon. The creature sneers at him and swings it fist, and he barley manages to duck out the way. The thing then lunges again and Simon jumps back, waiting for the right moment to strike.

He doesn't have to wait long before he finds it however - the next time it moves to strike him he grabs hold of its arm, propelling it forward and getting its head in between his hands. Once he's done that he twists, effectively breaking the things neck.

The body slithers to the ground and Simon can only feel horror at his first kill for a millisecond before another demon is upon him.

This must go on for what seems like a century- demons approaching only to be quickly put down. In the space of ten minutes he's covered entirely in thick black blood, the liquid making his clothes stick to him uncomfortably. 

A quick survey of the room shows that they're winning, and he hears many relieved sighs as the last dozen are quickly killed off. A celebratory hoot is just about to pass his lips when the portal opens again, and the next hoard comes out.

Things go very wrong after that.

It's starts with Joshua being killed. He hadn't talked to the vampire a lot, but he can keenly feel the loss, and it hurts. It feels like one of his limbs has been hacked off and he realises this must be a clan thing- feeling attuned to each other.

Then a warlock goes down as well. He doesn't know the woman personally, but he hears the wail of her wife and it feels like a personal grievance when the downworlder holds the body of her partner in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

The third person to go down he does know, and he hears it before he even looks. 

A tortured howl echoes throughout the warehouse and he quickly identifies it as Alec. Dread pools in his stomach and he expects to see the shadowhunter on the ground, but when he whips around its not Alec he see's, but Magnus.

The warlock is angled away from him, but the boneless way that his body is slumped in the archers grip doesn't look good at all.

He feels his blood boil at the sight and he hears nothing but the roaring of his own blood in his ears, his senses narrowing in on but nothing but kill, kill, kill.

He moves faster than he ever has in his life, tearing and ripping and crushing and snapping, not stopping until there's a pile of bodies by his feet.

Once no one else comes at him he looks up, and he feels all the blood draining from his face when he does.

Raphael is in the middle of battling a demon, his mouth wrapped around the things neck and his claws embedded in its chest. He's so focused on killing the creature beneath him that he doesn't notice the other advancing towards him from behind, a ornate blade of some kind raised above its head.

And no. No no no no no, that's not happening. Not in this lifetime.

His feet are moving before his brain fully catches up and he crosses the space between them in a blink of an eye, pushing Raphael out of harms way.

He only has a moment to see the others surprise before all he feels in pain.

He's not quite positive what happens next, but one minute he's standing and the next he's staring up at the ceiling.

Vaguely, he manages to identify screaming over the static roaring in his ears, but he can't quite make out who it exactly is.

It's only when his throat gives out that he realises its him.

Time seems to pass unbearably slowly and his vision begins to go white. He feels himself slipping, dying for the second time when suddenly Raphael's terrified face swims into view.

Cool hands brush his hair out of his eyes and he whines, leaning into the touch.

"You idiot. You complete and utter idiot. Why the hell did you do that? I had it. I would have had it. Dammit Simon. Fucking dammit."

The older vampires speech is rapid, and Simon has trouble keeping up with it. 

"H-had..s-save you. H-had to." He responds slowly, his lips quivering.

Raphael shushes him, cupping his cheek softly.

"Save your strength, baby. Save your strength."

Simon smiles at the nickname, a small fragile thing, and begins to close his eyes.

"No, don't do that. Keep your eyes open, Simon. Cmon, keep your eyes open. You'll be okay, but stay awake? You hear me?"

But Simon feels himself slipping- blood bubbling on his lips and falling from his chest, pooling onto the floor in a crimson puddle- and his eyes remain closed.

"Simon! Simon! Oh god, baby, wake up. Don't die, please don't die."

And then he's gone, falling into the vast darkness of unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im really sorry.
> 
> If this chapter seems sorter than most, that's because it is. I was trying to keep it short and to the point so I could update tonight before I get too busy. I also wanted to convey how quickly everything happened so it would have more impact. Again, thank you all for you continual support, your comments on the last chapter where overwhelming!


	7. Chapter 7

He woke up to the sound of his own blood rushing through his ears, the buzzing of the lights above his head seemly amplified. His throat was raw, and he coughed before opening his eyes. The light hurt them, and he closed them tightly again, whimpering a little bit—not something he was proud of, not something he would mention later, but nobody else would either. When he finally did pry his eyes open long enough to adjust to the light, he was laying in a large bed, a thin blanket pulled up to his hips, sitting up on an incline. There was an IV in the back of his hand, and, looking up, he saw that he was being drip fed blood.

Simon turned his head to the left, and saw Raphael slumped in a chair and sleeping, his crossed arms supporting his head on the edge of the bed. From the bags under his eyes and his rumpled suit , it looked like he had been there for a while. But for how long exactly, Simon couldn’t tell. When he turned his head the other way, he got a view of a nice brick wall, and he realises he must be in the institute. Why they would bring him back here, he does not know.

Wincing slightly he pushes himself up, dragging his legs up the bed so he can cross them in a basket. His entire body screams in protest- which he promptly ignores. 'Now is not the time for melodrama, ribs' he tells himself.

From the angle he can survey the entire room, and he almost chokes when he sees who's in front of him. Magnus and Alec are sprawled out across a bed which really should only be for one, wrapped around each other and snoring softly. The last time he had seen the warlock he was unconscious, so seeing him well enough to be curled around his boyfriend like a human pretzel is comforting.

Satisfied he turns back to Raphael, debating his choices. He could wake the other from his obviously well needed sleep, or he could get the hell up and get his own blood. He knows logically he's being fed through the drip, but that does nothing to quench his thirst and his throat is becoming uncomfortably dry.

Option two wins out and he swings one leg off the bed, and then two. So far, so good. The next step is to slip off of the mattress onto the ground. This goes more hesitantly that before but he valiantly achieves it. The final step is the act of walking. Slowly, he put his weight on his legs and he smiles. This is going to be a walk in the park. Enthused he takes a step forward, and then two, and he's so pleased with himself that he doesn't notice when his legs give out and the grey flooring moves up to meet his face.

He smashes into the ground and just lies there, face down, making pathetic noises of protest which are muffled into the floor. Just as he's about to push himself up and try again hands are on his shoulders and are pulling him upwards into a sitting position.

"Dios Simon! What the hell are you doing?!" Raphael cries somewhere above him, hands roaming over his body for any injuries. Despite himself Simon lets him, even going as far to leave into the hard body behind him. If anyone asks he'll blame it on the fact he was, y'know, stabbed.

"A drink. I'm not a child, you known" he croaks in response, his throat feeling like he's swallowed a fuck ton of sand. 

Raphael tuts behind him and begins to gently help him up. This would be great, but his chest feels like someone's set it on fire. He makes a low whining noise in the back of his throat and the other vampire stops instantly, his face wracked with concern. 

Simon hates that he put that expression there. Raphael's face should always be happy- he has such a bright and beautiful smile which could make the sun shine brighter. Or in their case, the moon. He scrambles to pull himself together, he's only three steps away from the bed he can goddamn make it. 

Sniffing slightly he straightens, gritting his teeth and clenching his muscles when his feet suddenly are no longer on the ground. Looking down wildly he sees that Raphael has lifted him. Into his arms. Bridal style. Like a blushing virgin.

Simon was pretty sure if he still could then his entire face would be bright red by now.

"Wow Raphael. If you wanted to sweep me off my feet you should have just asked," he blurts before he can help himself, a stupid grin beginning to form.

Raphael raised an eyebrow at him as he places him gently on the bed, his hands lingering on his shoulders. They move up slowly to cup his jaw, and Simon swallows thickly. The others gaze follows the movement of his throat and he is seemingly about to respond when he's interrupted by chortling laughter on the other bed. 

Both he and the other raise there heads to gawk, and Magnus holds his hands up in surrender.

"Don't let us stop your love affair. Continue."

The hands on his jaws drop quickly and there's a moment of silence when neither him nor Raphael speak, and then;

"We're not-"

"It's not-"

"I mean, it's just-"

"Not really what you think-"

"We were just-"

"I'm going to get Simon a drink" 

And with that, Raphael was out the room.

Simon sighs and scrubs a hand down his face, peaking through his fingers to glare at the couple across the room.

"Thanks" he mutters, his lips tugging downwards into a frown. The phantom feeling of Raphael's cool hands lingers on his jaw and he mourns the loss.

Magnus laughs again in response and tucks himself under Alec's arm, a smirk playing at the corners of his mouth.

"Don't worry little vampire, there's a lot more of that where it came from."

Simon wrinkles his nose at that, his frown deepening. "What do you mean by that?"

The eye roll from the warlock is so severe that he's surprised his eyes didn't fall out of his skull. 

"Magnus!" He hisses, leaning forward to seek answers.

But answers he does not receive, as Raphael chooses that moment to return carrying a glass of blood. He's so fixated on the blood that he doesn't notice how quickly the other had came back, or the scathing glare he levelled at Magnus upon entry of the room.

Reaching out he takes the glass and takes a long, satisfying drink, smacking his lips together in appreciation. Raphael shoots him a look which tells him to shut the hell up, but it is ignored. He smirks, takes another drink and purposely smacks his lips again, letting them curl so that the other can see his fangs.

"I almost died, leave me alone," he responds humorously, but then everything seems to come back to him at once.

"Oh my Ggg- Fuck, what happened? Is everyone okay? The clan? Clary? Are they okay? Who won? Shit, fuck. I'm sorry, I saw Joshua go down. How's his girlfriend doing? Wait, ignore me, she'll be doing awful. That's a stupid question. But seriously I.."

He stops himself when he see's Raphael's face- broken and shattered. 

"Don't tell me anyone else died" he whispered, reaching out to grab hold of the other vampires hand before he can stop himself as a cold dread settles in his stomach.

Much to his relief however the older man shakes his head, squeezing his hand lightly. "No. No one else died. We won, actually. Rachael has buried Joshua, she's still working through her grief, but she's happy they got to spend so much time together. The only other person who was even close to death was you."

Raphael's voice shakes towards the end of his speech, and his lips curve down into an unhappy frown. He leans forward, staring at Simon with imploring eyes that make him shiver.

"Why did you do it?" Is what the other says, and Simon almost laughs hysterically, dizzy with relief, not even having to ask what he's talking about.

"You know why" he answers, and that's as honest as he can get.

Raphael's eyes widen and his mouth opens, as if it ask, when suddenly the door bursts inwards and clangs against the wall.

The sound of it makes him wince and he turns, meeting Clary's frantic gaze.

"Simon! You're awake" she squeals, running across the room and throwing herself down on the left side of his bed, hands instantly running over his face to check for injury.

Beside him he can feel Raphael stiffen and he squeezes his hand again, hoping that a 'play nice' was conveyed in the movement.

"I'm awake" he responds softly, tilting his head to smile at her. Her eyes are wide and slightly wet, and Simon hates that he made her worry. 

"I'm also okay Clary" he adds, and means it. His chest hurts minutely, but it's dulling even now as it heals, becoming more like an ache. It's manageable- at least.

"Thank god. When you went down, I thought- there was so much blood. And when I heard Raphael screaming I thought you had died again." She freezes, as if realising what she's revealed, and her eyes slide to the other vampires. Then down to their linked hands.

"Oh" Is all she says, and Simon frowns.

"What?" He asks, and if his voice sounds defensive then no one comments on it.

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just so glad you're okay," she amends, clasping his arm and squeezing gently. "I don't know what I'd do without my best friend."

And that's a statement with a hidden meaning, he knows.

"Yeah, I know. Me either" he answers honestly, and they share a smile. It's the most honest smile he's shared with her in a long while.

Obviously pleased with his answer, clary settles on the edge of his bed, her warm hand on his arm keeping him grounded. Between both Raphael and Clary he feels content, and he could fall asleep right here and then.

That is if the already crowded room didn't receive two more visitors.

Isabelle and Jace stand awkwardly in the middle of the room, and Simon almost rolls his eyes. He can't be bothered with their shit right now, not when Raphael's cool fingers are making his stomach flip and Clary's warm fingers are contrasting and making him feel more relaxed.

"I'm stealing Clary for ten minutes so you can wait your turn" he bites out, ignoring the red heads indignant noise beside him and Raphael's snort.

Jace frowns and Isabelle sighs loudly, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"We're not here for Clary" the shadowhunter begins, flicking her hair over her shoulders. "First of all, I'm glad you're awake. We're here to..apologise. We didn't realise we were upsetting you or making you feel like any lesser person. It was not intentional. We were just adopting the same attitude as we've always had" she finishes, her voice clearly indicating that she didn't quite believe everything she was saying.

Jace snorts beside her and crossed his arms over his chest. "We don't treat you that bad" he moans, and this time Simon does roll his eyes.

"Yes, you do" himself and Raphael answer simultaneously, looking at each other and smirking slightly.

Jace make a discontented noise and is opening his mouth to speak when a voice from behind him speaks up.

"Not treating us 'bad' doesn't mean you're not treating us like second class citizens. Now, give you your due, you're not as racist or display as much prejudice as those of your kind a hundred years ago did. But it is the expectation that we will jump to your tune that Simon is talking about. After all, the only reason you sought me out in the first place was so I could do something for you."

All heads in the room turn to Magnus, and the warlock raises his chin is defiance.

"Nothing I said there isn't untrue" he adds, shrugging slightly.

Beside him Alec makes a chocked off noise of distress and buries his head in his boyfriends shoulder.

"I'm sorry Magnus" he mumbles, and the other deflated slightly, petting the shadowhunters head lovingly. 

"It's okay Alexander, I know you've never meant it. And you've improved, I'm not angry," the downworlder reassures him, pulling the larger boy in close.

Everyone turns away from the display then and Jace looks suitably chastised. Simon doesn't know if it's because of the words, or because of the display of love that he can no longer have.

"Sorry" he mumbles, looking down at the floor, and then the door. He looks like he's longing for release, and Simon can't say he's cruel enough to keep him. Baby steps , after all.

"It's okay" he replies honestly, giving the blonde a small nod.

After a tentative moment Jace nods back, and then shuffles out of the room, his head downcast. Izzy's eyes follow him, as does Clary's.

"Go get him before he drowns in self loathing" he reassures them, and Izzy walks over to squeeze his ankle and then leaves. Clary hesitates for longer, but ultimately stands, leaning down to kiss his forehead. 

"I'll be back later, okay Si," She promises, rubbing his arm once and then following the other female out the exit.

Once they're all gone Simon slumps once more, letting his head fall back against the pillow. All that talking left him exhausted, and he yawns, letting his eyes slip close.

"Falling asleep already?" The other vampire teases, tapping his fingers against Simons.

"Sue me. I'm tired" he mumbles slowly, reaching up his free hand to rub his eyes sleepily.

Raphael chuckles and rubs his thumb with his own, his eyes soft. 

"Go to sleep baby, you need rest. We have much to discuss when you wake up."

And with that Simons lets his eyes slip close, the feeling of a gentle hand running through his hair and another hand clasped in his own lulling him off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last.
> 
> Thank you for your patience and yet again, thank you for you're support.
> 
> The chapter should be titled baby steps, and the next should be titled fuck yeah finally;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait!

The next time Simon wakes up, it's in his own room in the hotel. Tentatively he stretches out his body to find the ache from earlier has vanished- he only feels vaguely stiff now.

Satisfied with that he sits up, squinting into the darkness of the room.

On first impressions, his room looks largely untouched, but he knows better. The sky high pile of clothing that had been on his desk has magically disappeared, presumably into his wardrobe. The stack of dvd's by his unit have been neatly placed on his book shelf, and his laptop is closed over and sitting on his bedside drawers.

Perhaps the most noticeable change to his room however is Raphael, who's currently curled up in his armchair in the corner, his face buried into the crease of his folded arms.

Simon blinks at him, feeling his useless heart speed up majorly at the sight. This is something that's taken place many times in his dreams before, it surely can't be happening now. 

But when the bed creaks as he leans forward, Raphael's eyes snap open and they stare at each other for a long moment.

Defiantly not a dream.

"Hey, how long has it been?" He croaks, wincing slightly at the dryness of his own throat. After all this is over he's going to start carrying a damn blood flask with him everywhere. This thirst is driving him insane.

Raphael tilts his head to observe him for a moment, before uncurling himself from his position and striding across the room, procuring a glass of blood from only God knows where.

"Long enough," the other answers cryptically, coming to a stand still just beside his head.

Simon rolls his eyes at that comment, taking the crimson liquid gratefully and deftly finishing it in a few seconds flat.

Raphael looks disgusted.

"You're not a new fledgling anymore. Slow down or you'll throw it all back up later."

Simon rolls his eyes again and dutifully ignores the comment.

"I was thirsty," he murmurs in response, and he almost laughs out loud at that for reasons unknown to him. 

'You're thirsty in more than one way' his mind supplies, and he can only agree with himself.

Speaking of which-

He places the glass on the table and turns back to Raphael.

"So.." He begins, and is promptly cut off by the other vampire.

"You're an idiot, by the way. I would have dealt with that demon without you jumping in. You got hurt for nothing."

Simon blinks.

"Surely you're not mad at me for that, are you? For fucks sake Raphael, it was right behind you and your back was exposed."

"So you thought taking the hit would make things better?"

"I saved you're life!"

"I would have been fine." The other mutters lowly, and at that, Simon looses it.

"What, like Joshua was fine?" He snaps, and Raphael physically recoils.

During their argument they had gradually gotten closer and closer to one another- in fact, they were so close now that Simon could see the way his leaders eyes where flecked with tiny drops of gold around the irises. 

"I'm sorry, that was a low blow, but it was true. You're our leader Raphael, the clan needs you. You can't just die," he explains, his voice going rough at the end. The very thought of the other vampire dying makes his heart clench painfully.

There's a long moment of silence when they both simply breath, and then Raphael shifts.

"Is that why you did it? Because you wanted to ensure the clan had me?"

Simon closes his eyes and considers lying, but what use would that be now?

"No. I mean, of course I want you to always be here for the clan, by the sounds of it you're the best leader they've ever had and they really do care about you. But, that wasn't what I was thinking about when I jumped in front of that knife."

"What were you thinking about?" Raphael asks, and when Simon truly looks at him he see's the other has stopped breathing. Raphael had told him once that although unnecessary, he enjoyed the sensation of breathing. It helped him remind himself he was human once. 

Simon has successfully made the man unable to breathe.

"You know what," he tries weakly, and the other is not having it.

"Tell me," is the instant whispered response, and Simon bursts.

"I was thinking about you, okay? I was thinking about how I've still got so much to say to you. I was thinking about how I've still got so much to apologise for. I was thinking that when I walked away from the hotel that night, it felt like my heart was breaking. It was thinking that the month following that insistence I could hardly sleep- I could only think about you and the clan and how much I've spectacularly fucked up. I was thinking about how it would destroy me to never hear your voice again, or have you stare at me with those big brown eyes. I was thinking how shit this entire fucking shadow world would be without Raphael Santiago, okay? I was thinking about you, you big fucking idiot! There, you happy now? Is that what you wanted? For me to bare my heart and Mmmph.."

A hand over his mouth cuts short his rant and he looks up, wide eyed to meet Raphael's own gaze. And all breath leaves his body when he see's the intensity in it.

"I'm not going to ask you to stop talking to Valentines daughter, because I know she's your friend. But promise me you want betray me like that again." Raphael's voice is quavering and Simon cant stand it.

"Raph.." He reaches out.

"Promise me," the other repeats, gripping his hand tightly. And suddenly he understands. He understands the hidden meaning:

'Promise me you'll never leave me again. Promise me you'll never make me have to make a decision like that again. Promise me you won't chose them over us. Promise me.'

And Simon does.

"I promise. Fuck Raphael, I promise." And then the dam breaks.

He's not entirely sure who moves first, but suddenly lips are on his and he's suffocating.

Instantly he curls his hands around the others neck and pulls his forward, effectively pulling the other onto his lap. He then tilts his head so he can deepen the kiss, whining pitifully when a wet tongue slips into his mouth.

Raphael hums from above him and strong hands cup the side of his face, curling around his jaw and scratching into his hair line.

Simon shivers. God, he loves those hands already.

Said hands soon begin exploring his body, curving over his shoulders and down his spine until they finally slip under his t-shirt, cool fingers curling around his hip bones.

"Oh my ggooo-" Simon begins, before promptly choking.

He buries his face in the crook of Raphael's neck instead, placing a line of kisses along the others collar bone before experimentally nipping the others jaw.

Raphael pauses. 

Dread fills his stomach and he looks up slowly, expecting to see anger or disgust on the others expression. Instead he's met with wild hair and blown pupils.

"Simon.." The other whispers, looking absolutely and thoroughly fucked, even though he's barely even touched him yet. The thought excites Simon even more than he thought it would.

"Mmm hmm?" He hums, dropping his gaze back down the others collar bone and pressing a kiss there. Raphael's breath quickens.

His stomach coils at the sound and he himself begins to breathe quicker, and without even realising he bucks his hips upwards.

He's met with a half hard erection pressing down against his own. 

Both of them simultaneously moan at that and Simon feels light headed and giddy and then..

"I swear to fucking God Raphael, you have a meeting in fifteen minutes and you're destination is fifteen minutes away. If you don't get out of this room right now I swear to god I'm coming in there, and I will drag you're ass out here, clothed or not."

"Plus I don't actually think I remember giving Simon permission to have sex with our leader, do you Lily?"

"No Elliot, I actually don't. Just you wait Lewis, when Raphael's not here to protect you I'm going to make you're life a living hell."

Two voices filter through the door and they both groan for completely different reasons now.

"I was trying to tell you," Raphael says after a moment, breathless and shaky. His lips are a bright red and Simon feels satisfied.

Simons about to retort when they both catch each other's gaze and laugh instead. Raphael drops his head to press against Simons own.

"To be continued?" He asks tentatively, curling his fingers around the older vampires neck and smiling.

"Yeah." Raphael's reply is instant, and his leader bends down to press a quick kiss to his lips before climbing off of him, adjusting himself quickly and flattening his hair.

He looks the picture of normality, but Simon knows otherwise. 

The thought makes him smile.

Both of them spare each other a meaningful glance before Raphael physically straightens and walks towards the door, throwing it open and raising an eyebrow as Lily and Elliot almost fall in. 

"Well, let's go to this life threatening meeting, shall we?" He asks passively, quickly glancing back to Simon with a small smirk before disappearing down the hall.

God, he misses him already.

The two other vampires loiter in his door way for a moment before he quirks his own eyebrow, silently asking them what they want.

"We're happy for you" Lily says, then, smirking slightly. The two turn to look at each other, then back to Simon.

"But If you ever hurt him-"

"Just know-"

"We will make you suffer-"

"And they will never find your body."

Swallowing, Simon nods vindictively.

"I won't hurt him, you don't ever have to worry about that." It's a honest answer, taken from his very soul. He will never hurt Raphael Santiago again.

Obviously satisfied with that answer the two nod, and like ghosts in fog they disappear down the hall as well.

He really needs to learn how to make a dramatic exit like that.

Speaking of making an exit-

Sighing, Simon pulls himself out of bed and into the bathroom, turning the shower on and stepping into it. He's got a little something to deal with that's becoming increasingly hard to ignore.

And if that problem means that he cums with Raphael's names on his lips, he can't really be the blame for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally.mp3
> 
> Also
> 
> Congrats on the almost sex.mp3
> 
> Honestly though, thank you's so much for supporting this shit show. It means a lot. 
> 
> Only two more chapters and and epilouge to go. I've planned the chapters, but the epilogue I'm still deciding on. Do I want a wedding happy ending, or do I want 100 years later telling stories to the baby vamps ending. What do you's think?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh. Oh boy.
> 
> Please accept this pointless finishing up plot and smut as a token of my deepest apologies.
> 
> (Also sos I cannot write smut to save myself like whoa I hope you's appreciate this.)

The past two weeks had been eventful, to say the very least. After the demon attack that had shuddered the clan, Raphael bit down his pride and went about trying to fix his alliances. First, with the shadowhunters, which was basically a pissing contest between Jace and Lily. In the end, Lily won and the alliance was mended- but he also had to sleep alone for three days so not everyone was a winner.

After that was questionably sorted, the next order of business what to reinstate their alliance with Luke's pack.

"Stop glaring at the werewolves. You're making them uneasy," Simon whispers viciously, his eyes narrowing in scorn.

They've been standing at the docks for all of five minutes and Raphael's already trying to visually incinerate Alaric.

Elliot snorts to his right hand side and he turns to glare at him, as well as the rest of the annoyingly stubborn clan.

"You as well. Luke's a good guy, leave him alone."

He's met with an eye roll and he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fucking hell. Fine," he mutters to himself more than anyone else, straightening his shoulders and striding forward towards the werewolves, determined to sort this out for himself if no one else can act like an adult.

In result there's small noises of protest rising up from behind him and it's only a moment later when Raphael's shoulder to shoulder with him, the others fingers wrapping around his wrist. 

They both stop. They both glare.

"Are you loco?" The older vampire hisses, his lips curled back into a snarl. "You didn't even look around the area."

This time it's Simon who rolls his eyes.

"It's Luke's pack, Raphael. The same Luke I've known for over ten years. Do you really think he's going to let his wolves do anything? You're being fucking ridiculous."

They stare at each other again, this time to the point where Simons beginning to feel a little worried.

"Please Raph. Luke is the closest thing I've ever had to a father. I don't want you mistrusting each other."

They stare at each other again- this time more pleadingly on Simons part- until Raphael finally relents.

"Fine. Fine. Let's go talk to the werewolves."

They do talk. And the alliance is put back in place easily enough.

 

Luke carefully doesn't mention that they were holding hands during the entirety of the talks, but he raises his eyebrow at Simon in a way that screams ' we will be discussing this later.'

He supposes that's fair.

 

\---

Magnus, without a doubt, throws the best parties he's ever been to.

The music is blaring, and Simons surrounded by all kinds of Downworlders putting aside their differences so they can just let go and have fun.

And he's really, really having fun.

Because really, If you come to a place looking for a vampire so your boyfriend can do a deal and end up staying for a party, you're not going to complain.

So he makes the most of it. He slips into the crowd and he dances. He dances with a fae. He dances with a werewolf. He dances with a warlock. And then, he dances with Raphael when the other finally decides he grown bored of watching him dance with other people.

"About time" he sighs happily in greeting, immediately spinning away from his dance partner and turning to Raphael, automatically hooking his arms around the others neck.

The other blinks at him, glaring dully at the abandoned fae behind him. 

"She wanted to sleep with you" Raphael says in response, his lips pressed into a thin line. 

Simon blinks, and then smirks.

"Well, I don't want to sleep with her" he reassures happily, swinging his hips in time of the beat.

They dance like that- pressed together- for three more songs before a certain move presses both of their hips together and they're both made aware of the fact they're half hard.

There's a moment of stillness, and then they spring into action.

"Can we-" Simon begins desperately, only to be cut off by Raphael.

"Outside," the other barks quickly, and they waste no time sprinting out of the crowd until they're both stepping into the alley behind the Pandemonium.

Instantly Raphael is crowding him, letting his head drop down on his shoulder, trying to control himself. It doesn't work very well.

"You're driving me insane," Raphael pants into his ear, his long fingers curling around his waist firmly.

Simon smirks, and bends down, wrapping his own fingers around Raphael's neck and pulling him forward for a kiss.

It's dirty, all tongue and teeth and fangs, and Simons living for it. 

They stay like that for a while, pushing and pulling at each other until he's somehow got Raphael pushed up against the wall, there hips pressed together in a tormenting fashion.

From there he moves restlessly, orientating from the others mouth to his jaw to his neck, pressing searing kisses to the skin in his wake.

Raphael makes a small chocked noise.

"And that mouth. You've got the Devils mouth."

Simon shivers. Then smirks.

"Well then, I've got a surprise for you."

Making a show of it, he drops to his knees slowly, sliding his hands all the way down the legs In front of him until they rest comfortably on either side of his boyfriends calfs. 

"Do you want to see what else my mouth can do?" He then adds huskily, blinking up at the other with a half lidded expression.

If it was any other time, he may question the appeal of having sex in a dirty alley. But for now, he's too far gone to care.

And this time, Raphael is the one who shivers.

There's a moment of silence, then the other nods tentatively, letting his head fall back against the wall with a thud.

Slowly-carefully- he leans forward, catching the others zipper with his teeth and pulling down.

Raphael curses. Loudly.

"Eager, are we?" He teases cheekily, dodging that hand that tries to swat at his head. 

Smirking he then makes short work of pulling the older boy out of his suit pants, and when he does his mouth goes dry.

Cause damn. Fucking damn.

He's suddenly glad he doesn't have to breathe anymore- because if he was human still there's no way he'd fit that all in his mouth.

There's a lapse of silence and he hears Raphael's wavering breath, swiftly followed by a "you don't have to."

Simon looks up then, making a point of wetting his lips before slowing moving forward, pressing a small kiss to the thighs in front of him before tentatively licking a strip up the underside of the other vampires cock.

Hands immediately scramble to grip his hair in response.

He smirks.

"No I don't, but I want to," he reassures, curling his finger around the others thighs and circling the head with his tongue to prove his point. 

This time, Raphael actually whines, his head clattering against the wall again.

"Dios mio."

Feeling motivated by this, Simon takes a deep (and unnecessary) breath, and bobs his head the entire the way down, his eyes widening slightly when he doesn't choke.

He pulls back and blinks up innocently, drinking in Raphael's half lidded expression.

"Whelp, apparently another perk of being a vampire is you can give bomb ass blow jobs."

Unexpectedly- and most definitely welcomed- Raphael laughs, sounding almost hysterical.

"You can't even shut up when you've got someone's dick in your mouth."

The words are so un-like Raphael that Simon smirks devilishly in response, his jeans becoming tight.

"That's probably because I currently don't have a dick in my mouth. But, I do now."

And with that he plunges back down, taking in all of his boyfriend and bobbing up and down. He makes a display of looking up at the other with innocent eyes as he hums, spurred on by the frantic swearing falling from his partners lips.

It doesn't take long after that. After a few minutes Raphael tenses, pulling at his hair sharply. 

"Simon, I'm gonna- you need to-"

Simon is having none of that. With one last move he takes Raphael in right down to the base, swallowing down the other during the entirety of his orgasm.

The sound of his now-lovers prolonged moan will now be seared into his mind forever.

Only then, when he feels the other begin to slump does he pulls back, smacking his lips and wiping spit and cum from his chin.

"You look at little wrecked there, buddy. Do I need to call the senior citizen committee to pick up an old man?" He teases, running a hand through his hair happily and standing.

As soon as he's stood however Raphael is on him, pushing him against the wall and switching their positions.

"You're turn, from the old man" the other hums pleasantly, pulling his head down so they can kiss again.

This times it's slower, but equally as dirty- all tongue and gently biting. Simon pants at the change of pace and clutches at the others arms, eyes widening when he feels his jeans being pulled open. 

"Oh Fuck," he pants, arching his back off of the wall as a firm hand works its way into his pants, pulling him out into the cool Brooklyn air.

Said hand is then right in front of his face and he looks across at Raphael smirking.

"Spit" the other boy orders, and he doesn't waste any time obeying.

Raphael makes short work of slicking up his cock, moving his hand up and down in languid motions that makes Simons toes curl.

"Oh shit. Oh fuck. Yes, fuck yeah Raph. Fuck."

Desperately he pulls the other down for another kiss, clutching at his shoulders as he begins to feel heat pool in his stomach.

Their fangs click together and Simon feels his entire body jerk forward, searching for more.

"Oh, oh, please Raph. I'm gonna- faster-"

His pleads are met with a predatory look and a smirk, the others hand speeds up to the point he feels his knees go weak.

He lasts another minutes and then he begins to feel his vision go white.

"Oh my God" he moans, then he's cumming all over Raphael's hand.

He stay like that for a moment, pressed together and panting until he's gently tucked back into his pants.

He looks down and mets Raphael's satisfied stare, and wishes he hadn't when he watches the other clean his hand with his tongue.

He groans again, squeezing his eyes shut.

"You're the devil" he echoes from earlier, before pulling Raphael forward and resting their forehead together.

There's a content lapse of silence when they simply breathe, and then:

"I'm going to fuck you later."

Simon gasps, looking down at the other relaxed expression.

"The fucking devil" he repeats, before bending down for another claiming kiss.

\---

When they get back into the party, everything is suspiciously quiet. 

Confused, and a little freaked out, they walk through the club door together, surprised to be met with pitch black.

Simon grapples for the light, squinting as he turns it on and then-

"SURPRISE" screams Magnus, standing in front of the crowd with a look of pure delight.

"Congrats on the sex!" He adds a moment later, winking at them.

Raphael looks like he's either going to kill someone or descend into hell right now.

He feels the same way, and if he could still blush he would be Crimson. 

To his further horror he recognises faces in the crowd. Jace looks humiliated. Alec is embarrassed. Clary looks like she's crossed between being grossed out and happy for them. Izzy definitely looks proud, and Magnus looks like someone's proud dad at a graduation.

He groans lowly, burying his face in Raphael's shoulder. 

There's a moment of silence and then:

"I should say the same to you Magnus, since you positively reek of the archer over there."

There's another moment of silence where Magnus gasps and Raphael laughs.

"See you later," his lover adds a moment later, pulling him out of the room just as Alec looks like he's going to pass out through sheer embarrassment.

"That was cruel" he says when they're back at the hotel, his lips curling up into a smile.

"What can I say," Raphael murmurs, pulling them onto bed for round two.

None of them sleep that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I'd like to apologise for taking a month to write this damn chapter. I could blame work and assignments but really, I just lost inspiration for a while. I promise there won't be this kind of wait again if you're still sticking with this!
> 
> Second of all, yesssssss. The sex has happened. I don't know if you've noticed but I've literally been saving Simons first time saying God for the particular experience (which is what caused Raphael's second reaction as well!) Thank you all for sticking with this fic, it means a lot. I love yous. We're almost there!!
> 
> My tumblrs raphsantaigo, so you can shout at me there in the future.


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